i hurt

i hurt

and all it would have taken
was an email
from you
my beloved
about the weather

but once again i failed
failed to grasp that
you
would see an ultimatum
or maybe even
some modicum of commitment
when none was sought
only reassurance
only reassurance

me
my fault
wanting you too much
loving too deeply
too often, too intensely
needing intimacy
that you never learned how to give

you
your fear, inaction, depression
pain
past and present experiences too harsh
no understanding of unconditional love
or true intimacy
from a woman, soulmate, consoler
joyful partner in love

we
killed a beautiful thing
an unrivaled match
that was meant for joy
over a lifetime
an eternity

but now it seems
whatever we had
is gone

you
your heart
once open to love
has scarred over completely
into an impenetrable carapace

i
worn out from pain and rejection
half of a completed whole
alone
without her complement, her match, her equal
her completion

and i hurt
for me
for you
for the ephemeral
us

i hurt


Written 18 November 2008
By Carolyn Earle Billingsley
(I put an old date on really personal posts so they don't show up on main page; thus, although written in 2008, this is dated as 2001 on the blog--buried, so to speak.